7Y+1D

The time that has passed since I have last written should tell you just how much you matter to me now.  Three years, five months, and twelve days since the last time I had any inclination to write. And really, had I not seen a flashback post on Facebook this morning, I would have not remembered it was seven years and one day ago.  I do not know why I am even writing.  Part of me wants to rub in how much my life has improved, the other sees it as being pointless.

Amusingly, not that you would care, I was thinking about Catcher in the Rye the other day.  I dare say you had great insight when you gave me a copy (which I still have... I have this thing about destroying books. As much as I should have with the rest of your shit, I did not simply because it is a book.) as much of it is as relevant today as it was then.  Most poignantly, this:

That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say "Fuck you." I'm positive, in fact.

Why so poignant?  It summarizes our relationship.

Anyway...

So yeah, just how much you matter to me now?

Not one iota.

Sort of.  If you truly did not matter, I would not have bothered writing this, I suppose, and certainly not as much as I have.  Will I write again? I sure hope not.  I am sure there are a myriad of other things I could be doing other than expending precious energy on you.

In a Place

It has been a very long time since I have written anything.  I have had no compulsion to write.  Even today I do not have much of one except to tell you I am finally in a place.  Not quite yet wonderful, not quite yet exciting, nothing except a place where life is finally becoming tolerable.  Since you have disconnected because I did not matter, I have reconnected with others who think I do.  It makes all the difference.  Like last night.  I was reorganizing my photos and found many archived pictures of our adventures.  I deleted every single one without hesitation.  I now have better adventures to cherish and archive.  Adventures much more meaningful than ours ever were because I mean something to them- and always will- no matter what.

I hope you will treat your doppelgänger like she matters.  Yes, I know- and not by choice.  But so what.  So as long as you are happy.  Me?  What do you care?

You Are Starting Not to Matter

I decided not to go to Bone Fish Grill this year to "celebrate".  I think it's because you are starting not to matter to me anymore. This is a good thing... until someone reminds me of you.

Closed Doors to Greener Pastures

Once again it is that time of year when I remember your invitation to the past.  While I still have violently conflicting thoughts about you, I do think back to this and remember all the very happy times that followed. That I am still thinking about you surprises even me.  With what was the easy disposability of our relationship by you only serves me a reminder that maybe closed doors should remain closed.  Even if it has a window to greener pastures.


I am only resolved to accepting this because I have to but I still love you quite dearly.

Return

Today I saw this and I saw my greatest wish. To see you across from me, to hold your hand, to look in your eyes... would make me whole again.

I miss you. Most ardently.

Perspective.

"Death has nothing with going away. The sun sets. The moon sets. They are not gone." - Rumi

Perhaps this is how I must look at this.

Malangayang Pasco

Although I have not been on in a long time, you are never far from my mind. I hope this Christmas is filed with the love of family. Merry Christmas wherever you are.

41.

Happy birthday, dear one. While I appear to be perpetually angry with you, know it is only because I am still so deeply hurt. You are, everyday, on my mind. I hope peace and happiness has made their way into your life as well as love in your heart.

As I wish everyday, I pray that one day our lives will loop back around. I am desperately lonely without you.

Traveler.

"Love is a travel. All travellers whether they want or not are changed. No one can travel into love and remain the same."  - Shams Tabrizi

I meant to include that in the 14th's post, but I forgot.  It was something I read several days before and thought it was poignant enough to include in the "anniversary edition".

I am still traveling, love.  I hope this prickly road of impasse is just a detour and not a dead end into an abyss.  





(Sometimes I truly believe I would be much better off if I just forget you.)

Dinner.

Two years ago I had dinner with destiny. What promise it had. What future.

As much as I hate you, I still grieve for the day we meet again because I will never be able to tell you so. I do love you... and there is no promise of a future in that.

Dancing with the Enemy.

So I accepted your invitation. See how well that turned out?

1Y2M

...and more heartache to commentate.

Please Let Me Be

I wish I can be as heartless as my thoughts about you.

Fuck You

Fuck you.  I hate that everything around me reminds me of you. Asshole.

Year One

One year has passed and I can say with certainty I have managed quite well. Yesterday I disposed of the last remnants of you... I deleted the folder with all your emails from my account and every picture of you and your children. You are deleted information; the only way anyone will ever know is if I choose to recover it.

I still love you dearly... but what does that matter?

Wonder.

While flipping through channels I stumbled upon the movie Pretty in Pink.  Of course, it reminded me of you and me.  I have always wondered if we would have gone to prom together had you stayed at my school.  I have always wondered a lot about what else would have happened if we had never lost touch- particularly, would we have parted as we had nearly a year ago.  I ponder heavily on the what ifs.  It seems to be the only thing I have left of you to hold onto.  Why so perplexes me.

...tbc...

Still.

Though I am silent, you are ever here.  Everything reminds me of you.

214

It is powerful... just like the thoughts of you which linger.  I still love you quite dearly.

(I know it is early, but I will most likely forget on Tuesday.  I hope this Valentine's Day finds you well.)

Punishment.

Again at the Bonefish Grill, not because it reminds me of better times, but simply because I am hungry.

It does not mean I am not thinking of you.

Punishment indeed.

Sleep

It is times like this when I cannot sleep that you are closest to my heart.

I have not written much since the holidays.  Mostly on purpose because I struggle so to forget you. 

I wonder how long this will last.  I cannot go on living like this... especially knowing you have.

Oh Yeah...

Happy New Year.  I forgot.


(I wish it is as easy to forget you.)

Merry Christmas.

A blessed Merry Christmas to you.  It is all I can muster right now.

24.11.11

Thanksgiving...

In Florida for the weekend to spend the holiday with my family.  Decided to stay in Deerwood Park; I  can only stand everyone for so long, like any normal person with their familes.  You would not believe how much it has changed.  When we were here I think I told you about St. John's Towncenter (the outdoor/ mixed purpose area near UNF).  What I did not know was how far it extended.  It literally goes from St. John's Bluff to Southside Boulevard.  Deewood was okay growing up, but now it is really, really beautiful.  I am considering moving back here... as much as I want to be in DC working at the pulse of government, I think it will be the end of me.  Not because of work, but knowing you could be ever near.  And that breaks my heart.

But I will not try and dwell upon this. 

Of course, it is the time of year where people reflect upon what they are thankful for... including me.  I was thinking heavily on the subject as I was driving down.  I am thankful for the usual things... family (as much as they drive me bat-shit crazy), friends, etc. ad nauseaum but surprisingly, I was thinking how thankful I am for you.  Even though we are not speaking, I am thankful for the time we did share, your company, your counsel, your children (my God I miss them horribly), and just you. It is my hope you are with friends and family today.  It breaks my heart to think otherwise as much as I have this love/hate relationship with you (in my head).

Maybe one day I will have something more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving... wherever you are.

Stem.

I heard a report about heart stem cells being used to treat a diseased heart with favorable results.  I wonder if it could cure broken hearts?

5.

How long
can I lament
with this depressed
heart and soul

How long
can I remain
a sad autumn
ever since my grief
has shed my leaves

The entire space
of my soul
is burning in agony

How long can I hide
the flames
wanting to rise
out of this fire

How long can one suffer
the pain of hatred
of another human
a friend behaving like an enemy

With a broken heart
how much more
can I take
the message from body to soul

I believe in love
I swear by love
Believe me my love

How long
like a prisoner in grief
can I beg for mercy

You know I am not
a piece of rock or steel
but hearing my story
even water will become
as tense as stone

If I can only recount
the story of my life
right from my body
flame will grow

- Rumi


Tomorrow, five months will have passed.  While this has hurt me deeply like no other, it is only so when I think about it- which is becoming less and less as time goes by.  I am afraid of this actually.  I do not want you to become a shell of what was to a shell that is.

Again.

The source of my suffering and loneliness is deep in my heart.
This is a disease no doctor can cure.
Only Union with the Friend can cure it.
    

-Rabi´a al-Adawiyya, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert'


I do not know if we could ever be friends again. I do not think we can ever be anything again.

Dunyazad

Dunyazad asked herself agonizingly, "... Do you not take pity on my torment? Do you not miss my longing for you?"  - Arabian Nights and Days, M. Mahfouz




While it is doubtful you do, it is irrefutable I have a love/ hate relationship with you.

Happy Birthday.

Happy birthday. I hope happiness has found you.  If it has not, it shall lest you not be afraid to will it.

As much as I see it pointless to profess, I still hold you close to my heart and harbor hope we will find a solution to this impasse.

Regardless of how deeply bitter I feel, I still love you very much.

4.

It has been four months.  Such a short amount of time yet feels like aeons.  You are still very much a fixture in my heart.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

I was going through some files on my computer when I ran across several pictures of us.  I deleted them with little effort.  I wish it was just as easy to delete you from my heart. 





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Almost four months and I stil ache.  When will it stop?