24.11.11

Thanksgiving...

In Florida for the weekend to spend the holiday with my family.  Decided to stay in Deerwood Park; I  can only stand everyone for so long, like any normal person with their familes.  You would not believe how much it has changed.  When we were here I think I told you about St. John's Towncenter (the outdoor/ mixed purpose area near UNF).  What I did not know was how far it extended.  It literally goes from St. John's Bluff to Southside Boulevard.  Deewood was okay growing up, but now it is really, really beautiful.  I am considering moving back here... as much as I want to be in DC working at the pulse of government, I think it will be the end of me.  Not because of work, but knowing you could be ever near.  And that breaks my heart.

But I will not try and dwell upon this. 

Of course, it is the time of year where people reflect upon what they are thankful for... including me.  I was thinking heavily on the subject as I was driving down.  I am thankful for the usual things... family (as much as they drive me bat-shit crazy), friends, etc. ad nauseaum but surprisingly, I was thinking how thankful I am for you.  Even though we are not speaking, I am thankful for the time we did share, your company, your counsel, your children (my God I miss them horribly), and just you. It is my hope you are with friends and family today.  It breaks my heart to think otherwise as much as I have this love/hate relationship with you (in my head).

Maybe one day I will have something more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving... wherever you are.

Stem.

I heard a report about heart stem cells being used to treat a diseased heart with favorable results.  I wonder if it could cure broken hearts?

5.

How long
can I lament
with this depressed
heart and soul

How long
can I remain
a sad autumn
ever since my grief
has shed my leaves

The entire space
of my soul
is burning in agony

How long can I hide
the flames
wanting to rise
out of this fire

How long can one suffer
the pain of hatred
of another human
a friend behaving like an enemy

With a broken heart
how much more
can I take
the message from body to soul

I believe in love
I swear by love
Believe me my love

How long
like a prisoner in grief
can I beg for mercy

You know I am not
a piece of rock or steel
but hearing my story
even water will become
as tense as stone

If I can only recount
the story of my life
right from my body
flame will grow

- Rumi


Tomorrow, five months will have passed.  While this has hurt me deeply like no other, it is only so when I think about it- which is becoming less and less as time goes by.  I am afraid of this actually.  I do not want you to become a shell of what was to a shell that is.

Again.

The source of my suffering and loneliness is deep in my heart.
This is a disease no doctor can cure.
Only Union with the Friend can cure it.
    

-Rabi´a al-Adawiyya, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert'


I do not know if we could ever be friends again. I do not think we can ever be anything again.