Merry Christmas.

A blessed Merry Christmas to you.  It is all I can muster right now.

24.11.11

Thanksgiving...

In Florida for the weekend to spend the holiday with my family.  Decided to stay in Deerwood Park; I  can only stand everyone for so long, like any normal person with their familes.  You would not believe how much it has changed.  When we were here I think I told you about St. John's Towncenter (the outdoor/ mixed purpose area near UNF).  What I did not know was how far it extended.  It literally goes from St. John's Bluff to Southside Boulevard.  Deewood was okay growing up, but now it is really, really beautiful.  I am considering moving back here... as much as I want to be in DC working at the pulse of government, I think it will be the end of me.  Not because of work, but knowing you could be ever near.  And that breaks my heart.

But I will not try and dwell upon this. 

Of course, it is the time of year where people reflect upon what they are thankful for... including me.  I was thinking heavily on the subject as I was driving down.  I am thankful for the usual things... family (as much as they drive me bat-shit crazy), friends, etc. ad nauseaum but surprisingly, I was thinking how thankful I am for you.  Even though we are not speaking, I am thankful for the time we did share, your company, your counsel, your children (my God I miss them horribly), and just you. It is my hope you are with friends and family today.  It breaks my heart to think otherwise as much as I have this love/hate relationship with you (in my head).

Maybe one day I will have something more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving... wherever you are.

Stem.

I heard a report about heart stem cells being used to treat a diseased heart with favorable results.  I wonder if it could cure broken hearts?

5.

How long
can I lament
with this depressed
heart and soul

How long
can I remain
a sad autumn
ever since my grief
has shed my leaves

The entire space
of my soul
is burning in agony

How long can I hide
the flames
wanting to rise
out of this fire

How long can one suffer
the pain of hatred
of another human
a friend behaving like an enemy

With a broken heart
how much more
can I take
the message from body to soul

I believe in love
I swear by love
Believe me my love

How long
like a prisoner in grief
can I beg for mercy

You know I am not
a piece of rock or steel
but hearing my story
even water will become
as tense as stone

If I can only recount
the story of my life
right from my body
flame will grow

- Rumi


Tomorrow, five months will have passed.  While this has hurt me deeply like no other, it is only so when I think about it- which is becoming less and less as time goes by.  I am afraid of this actually.  I do not want you to become a shell of what was to a shell that is.

Again.

The source of my suffering and loneliness is deep in my heart.
This is a disease no doctor can cure.
Only Union with the Friend can cure it.
    

-Rabi´a al-Adawiyya, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert'


I do not know if we could ever be friends again. I do not think we can ever be anything again.

Dunyazad

Dunyazad asked herself agonizingly, "... Do you not take pity on my torment? Do you not miss my longing for you?"  - Arabian Nights and Days, M. Mahfouz




While it is doubtful you do, it is irrefutable I have a love/ hate relationship with you.

Happy Birthday.

Happy birthday. I hope happiness has found you.  If it has not, it shall lest you not be afraid to will it.

As much as I see it pointless to profess, I still hold you close to my heart and harbor hope we will find a solution to this impasse.

Regardless of how deeply bitter I feel, I still love you very much.

4.

It has been four months.  Such a short amount of time yet feels like aeons.  You are still very much a fixture in my heart.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

I was going through some files on my computer when I ran across several pictures of us.  I deleted them with little effort.  I wish it was just as easy to delete you from my heart. 





**********************************************************
Almost four months and I stil ache.  When will it stop?

Alabaster Crashes Down.

"... A heartless hand on my shoulder
-a push and it's over-
Alabasters crashes down
(six months' a long time)
Tried living in a real world
Instead of a shell
But before I began
I was bored before I even began..."

Because I am Quiet...

...does not mean I do not think about you.  It is because of you that I am.

Salve.

Yes, if you care, I still think of you quite often.  You are sometimes my first thought...many times my last.  I still struggle to find some kind of closure, a salve for my mangled heart.

Dinner.

Tonight, against my better judgement, I went to the restaurant where we met for the first time in twenty years.  The same time (five minutes late), the same dress.  I am not sure why I went other than to perhaps have some closure and start focusing on more important things; things which I have lost sight of and of new things which have come up since this fateful day last year.  I probably looked rather ridiculous sitting alone with a glass of wine and salad thinking back to that day and the days that followed.  Inasmuch as I would like to dismiss you and those eight months, I cannot.  I have not had such happiness in years.  Never had I the utter and complete clarity of what I wanted in life until then- so much so I found the gumption to work towards those goals.  Regardless of where you thought I was in the process, I really did work very, very hard.  I sought and obtained counsel.  I applied, interviewed, and accepted a job in Herndon.  I found an appartment nearby. I had all my records ready to transfer medical facilities.  Only when I had all of this completed was I going to tell you. I did not want to have one part fall through and see you disappointed.  But this became quite moot.  You somehow became disappointed and left anyway.

When I realized this, I left.

Rid.

In a way, I'm glad to be rid of you.

An Invitation.

One year ago I accepted an invitation to my past.  Never had my heart felt a reckless abandon to return to a time of unparalleled happiness (even when I was uncertain that was what I was feeling).  I feared the reason why was the infatuation of the past. It was not. Otherwise, I would not have set in motion what became this emotional train wreck.

Do I regret accepting the invitation?  I would be lying if I said yes.  I only regret this impasse.  Would I accept another invitation?  Of course... even if it takes another 24 years.









I am only resolved to accepting this because I have to but I still love you quite dearly.

2.

It has been two months and I miss you more today than I did yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow.

When will you be but a blur of an existence that was never supposed to be?

Torment.

I hope thoughts of me torment you. Only then will you know how I truly feel.

Back.

Something I have been wondering- was it easy to turn your back on me?

Love to Hate You.

It has been nearly a dozen days since I last posted yet I still feel the same as I had Saturday.  Out of exasperation to rid myself of you (not in the whole sense, just the you that makes me sad), I feel nothing but hate.  This in itself is upsetting because it is not in my nature to hate.

Oh how I would love to hate you.

Hate.

I have so much hate in my heart right now.  This is not good.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

I am sitting at the airport wishing it was you I was seeing. Maybe one day.

"I'm Still Standing."

Call this a declaration of self-preservation.

(but I still miss you terribly)

A Declaration of Independence- FROM YOU.

"...that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

I am accomplishing just that- without you.  In the month that has past, I have realized I am the only one truly responsible for my happiness.  While it would be a blessing for you to be a part of this, I can say with certainty I do not need you.  Yes, I pine for you still today but I am not going to let that stand in the way of moving forward.

I still hold dear a hope this can be resolved somehow, someday.  Above everything else, I value your friendship, your counsel, and your company.  While there is no one I know who can be everything I love in a person except for you, I have many friends and family who do, collectively.

Safety in numbers.

Business Week.

It has been nearly a business week since I have last written.  Mainly because I have been inundated with work as I am gearing up for another adventure elsewhere, but also because outside of work, there's not much to write about.  I get up at the most obscene hour... I drive the hour to work... I work insane hours... I drive the hour home... Wash, rinse, repeat- no derrivations.  The weekends are just as predictable. 

Maybe this is a good thing.  At least I will never be blindsided.

Sherry.

Even having a glass of sherry is not the same.

I miss you.

Memory.

"Memory is an invasive entity; it's threatening."

Think.

I think tonight will be another sleepless night.

Market Day.

I just returned from the farmer's market at the end of Fayetteville Street.  This week's fresh fruit and vegetable offerings seem to mark the beginning of the height of the season.  Berries and peaches abound.  Salads and flowers nearly every other stand.  The smell of fresh baked bread wafted in the wind with the sounds of a local band.  My guys admiring pretty girls in sundresses; my admiration of my guys in general. 

I left with my usual apple strudel from the German baker, guys in tow.  The only thing missing from this brief escape from the office was you.

This is never far from my mind.

Maybe.

"breathe out
so i can breathe you in
hold you in"


Maybe one day again.

"...is it cold in your corner of the world?"

Forsaken.

It is said God will not give you more than you can handle.  If that is the case, why can I not handle missing you?

I sometimes think He has forsaken me as you have.

I have hope...but very little right now.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day.  Always remember I think you are the best father ever.  The kids love you more than anything in the world.  Never doubt yourself that you are anything less.  You are their heart... and a shadow of mine.

Awful.

Quite simply put, I miss you something awful.

Missing.

As I prepare for the weekend out, all I can think of is "I am missing something."  I hope you are fairing well and not missing anything.  It is an awful feeling and I do not want that for you.

Damn You.

(It is now the hardest part of my day.  The time in between being awake and falling into a fitful sleep is spent thinking about you.) 










Damn you.

Unconditional

While yesterday was not a very elegant start, it was at least a start. 

I have run the gauntlet of emotions, but the one I can say trumps them all is hurt.  Regardless, I want to write to you.  I want you to one day know what my very thoughts were on any particular day.  While you did not think me worthy of an explaination, I still deem you an exclusive patron of my thoughts in hopes one day you will reconsider- even if another twenty years must pass. 

Unconditional is just that.

Ten Days

"You have hurt me deeply."










Ten days have passed and all I can muster are those five pathetic words.