Salve.

Yes, if you care, I still think of you quite often.  You are sometimes my first thought...many times my last.  I still struggle to find some kind of closure, a salve for my mangled heart.

Dinner.

Tonight, against my better judgement, I went to the restaurant where we met for the first time in twenty years.  The same time (five minutes late), the same dress.  I am not sure why I went other than to perhaps have some closure and start focusing on more important things; things which I have lost sight of and of new things which have come up since this fateful day last year.  I probably looked rather ridiculous sitting alone with a glass of wine and salad thinking back to that day and the days that followed.  Inasmuch as I would like to dismiss you and those eight months, I cannot.  I have not had such happiness in years.  Never had I the utter and complete clarity of what I wanted in life until then- so much so I found the gumption to work towards those goals.  Regardless of where you thought I was in the process, I really did work very, very hard.  I sought and obtained counsel.  I applied, interviewed, and accepted a job in Herndon.  I found an appartment nearby. I had all my records ready to transfer medical facilities.  Only when I had all of this completed was I going to tell you. I did not want to have one part fall through and see you disappointed.  But this became quite moot.  You somehow became disappointed and left anyway.

When I realized this, I left.

Rid.

In a way, I'm glad to be rid of you.

An Invitation.

One year ago I accepted an invitation to my past.  Never had my heart felt a reckless abandon to return to a time of unparalleled happiness (even when I was uncertain that was what I was feeling).  I feared the reason why was the infatuation of the past. It was not. Otherwise, I would not have set in motion what became this emotional train wreck.

Do I regret accepting the invitation?  I would be lying if I said yes.  I only regret this impasse.  Would I accept another invitation?  Of course... even if it takes another 24 years.









I am only resolved to accepting this because I have to but I still love you quite dearly.

2.

It has been two months and I miss you more today than I did yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow.

When will you be but a blur of an existence that was never supposed to be?

Torment.

I hope thoughts of me torment you. Only then will you know how I truly feel.